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Jokes: 1000s of Our Most Funny Jokes, Puns & Riddles | Reader's Digest
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Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

First Day of Retirement

My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The woman quickly learned...

Meet the Genius

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very...

We’ll Need a Therapist

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when...

Do It Right the First Time

After doing some DIY projects around the house, I have a new motto: Do your best to do things right the first few times. —Thomas Ngo

Sell It

As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on...

Lady Godiva

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. “We’re sorry, ma’am. We’ll send your costume...

Weak Stomach

Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. “I never knew you had such a...

Give Myself Permission

Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by...

Spent All the Money

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” —Submitted by Arthur Bland 

In a Nutshell

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. —Gary Delaney, comedian

Lazy Award

At an event famous for giving out awards in bizarre categories, the emcee enthusiastically announces, “The next prize will go to the laziest person in the audience. If you think...

Which Chin?

Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied,...

On the Badge

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.”...

Can’t Remember the Name

I had a chance encounter with a pastor who told me about a wonderful event held at his church. “We had a singing group the other day that performed without...

Heal Him So He Can Do It Himself

Our fourth grader celebrated his birthday on crutches, so he couldn’t carry the cupcakes into school without help. I asked our sixth-grader, Noah, to help his brother carry them in....

In the Birds Section

I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific...

Back to Reality

Tanned, relaxed, and unshaven, I landed at the Denver airport after returning from my bucolic Caribbean vacation. As the customs agent handed my passport back to me, she cheerily welcomed...

Kept Ringing

I called the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing ... —Submitted by E.M. via rd.com

Too Much Praise

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just...

Wrong Target

It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first...

Drive Him

During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, “There’s been a jeep explosion. What would...

The Nurse Has My Teeth

As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this...

Birthdays to Grow

I asked the kids in my nursery school class what they needed in order to grow up nice and strong. One little girl answered, “Birthdays!” —Abigail George 

Don’t Send Him Back

On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.” —Glen Zeider

Get a Better Face

If I ever voiced disapproval of a photo of myself, my mother always had a ready reply: “Want a better picture? Get a better face.” —Maria Zagorski

Irritated Scalp

Suffering from an unsightly scaly rash, my friend Denise made an appointment with a dermatologist who happened to be very attractive. After a full examination, the doctor cocked his head...

I Bought Two

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into...

Straw Up Your Nose

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my five-year-old granddaughter threw in her two cents. “I can see why it would be dangerous to...

Who Is This?

My husband and his sister are notorious yakkers. They can hold court on any subject. One day, he called her. All he had to say was “Hi,” and that launched...

40 For Lying

As A.J. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, “Those who laughed,...

There Goes the Light Bulb

While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber...

Starts at 8

Our company gives out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a...

Wouldn’t Lie About Being 30

Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.” Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

Gluten Attack

Guy staring at an ambulance in front of Whole Foods: “Somebody must have accidentally eaten gluten.”

Ordering Online

I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. —Kumail Nanjiani, comedian

Not Talking to You

At our weekly Bible study, the leader asked an elderly gentleman, Walt, to open the meeting with prayer. Walt did so in a soft voice. Another man, straining to hear,...

Only Sign We Have

I was waiting at a small train station when a man put up a sign regarding my train: “30-Minute Delay.” “What happened?” I asked. “The train went off the rails,”...

Clothed While Doing Laundry

Spotted on a Laundromat corkboard: “Please keep clothes on while doing laundry.” —Sue Connor

Blockbuster Old

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never...

Forgot About the Gift

My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as...

Full Time Soon

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way...

Prayers Before Bed

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter...

Loyal Snake

It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. —Roy Blount, humorist

Not At All Surprised

According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. —Crystal Lowery

Grow Up to Be a Mother

My three-year-old son: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Me: You can be anything you want. Son: (after a few seconds) I think I’ll...

Margarita Medicine

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, my daughter asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which...

Fresh, Canned, or Frozen

A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed. “Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They...

He’s Only 70

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant....

Can I Hold You?

Our booking office had three phones. One day during lunch, I was responsible for answering all of them. It was a constant repeat of “May I help you?” or “Will...

Upside Down Reading

Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called...

Change the Sign

Spotted on a business marquee in Tacoma, Washington: MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN, SO I DID. —K.H.

How Can I Help You?

After pulling three double shifts in a row, my brother Billy, a hotel clerk, was worn out. On one of his few breaks, he went to the hotel restaurant to...

Only Thing in My Closet

A coworker once showed up to the office in a white wedding dress with a crinoline, beading—the works. When our manager asked why she’d worn her wedding dress to the...

Band or Officer

While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my...

No Initials

Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told we’d find a clipboard with our names on it. “Next to your name,”...

One Day at a Time

People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. —Hannibal Buress, comedian

Only Woman There

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If...

In His Terms

After my beloved dog Lucky passed away, my daughter tried to explain to her four-year-old son what had happened in terms he might understand. “Remember that baby bird we found...

Horse Rider

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. —Mark Simmons, comedian

Little League for Parents

Little League is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. —Yogi Berra, Yankees Catcher

Not Everything

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything. —Toby Harrah, Rangers Shortstop

Too Many Men

You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? —Jim Bouton, Yankees Pitcher

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? —Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher

To Err

A scientist who made contact with aliens said, “They’re nothing like us—all they keep saying is ‘Err. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. “To...

Early or Second Service

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the...

Adam’s Shorts

Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

Cats and Sentences

Q: How are a cat and a sentence different? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its...

No Light, No Work

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, “I know how to get some time off from work!” “How?” asks the blonde. “Watch this,” says the...

Behind at Work

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Ships Collide

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.

Come Back Stick

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A: A stick.

4, 5, 6

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? A: Quattro sinko.

Bike Cycle

Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day. Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle...