Customer Service Jokes

Test your sales humor with these customer service jokes.

Customer service: We’ve all been there. Get a laugh out of our collection of call center jokes and funny customer service jokes.

Repeat That, Mate?

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line

“Buy Yourself Something Nice, Jerk”

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

The Problem With New Jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.”...

The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I...

Overheard At Our Diner…

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

Time Zones Are Hard.

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes...

One Reason To Buy A Painting

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine....

Design Client From Hell: “Remove That Circle”

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly....

Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette:...

Unintelligent Design

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Bullseye

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...

Weird Things Librarians Hear

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to...

Air-Headed

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be...

The Cost of Vinyl

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then...

5 Lies Job Applicants Tell

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … … to be a former CEO of the company to which he...

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to...

Pizza Perils

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza 
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread...

8 Days’ Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,...

Call The WAHmbulance

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me. @bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)

Half It Your Way

The food at the sandwich shop 
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a...

How About a Finger?

An ad for a hedge clipper that 
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael...

Good Riddance to Dumb Patients

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because,...

An Ocean of Dumb

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando...

Expanding Inventory

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner...

A Horse Of A Different Species

Scene: Horseback-riding stable. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Me: Our horses are very sweet … Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over...

Easier Said Than Done

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From clientsfromhell.net

An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I...

Dumb Clients: A Different Color

Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Smart-Asses Work in Restaurants, Too

I phoned a local restaurant to 
ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That 
depends on which...

Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent

• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.” • “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” • “So … you’re talking to me...

Worst Insurance Claims Ever

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the...

Sgt. Nimrod

I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give...

Chik-fail-A

Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A. Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk.

Wrong Store, Buddy

Scene: Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder. Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily? Customer:...

No-sense Sensor

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting 
unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my...

Actually, I'm a Time Traveler

When I bought beer at the 
grocery store, the clerk asked for 
my birthdate. I said, “10-3-60.” Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?” David Phenix, Columbia, South Carolina

What are My Options?

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. Me: Siri, call my wife. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife. Siri: I’ve...

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “

No—I Prefer to Push

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last...

Sharknado Truthers

Scene: A secondhand movie 
exchange ... Me: Do you have the DVD of 
Sharknado? Clerk: Is that a documentary? Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

Taken For a Ride

From a passenger of the Vacaville, 
California, public bus company: Dear Sir, I would like to commend driver Lea 
Schroeder for the following reasons: 1. She frequently doesn’t stop for...

Come Again, Eh?

Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project. Client: “We want a total of eight 
languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian ...” Source: clientsfromhell.net

"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I...

IT’S CLASSIFIED

Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source:...

The Scale of The Situation

We were stocking up on 
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl 
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds...

Department of Manic Voices

The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the 
window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you...

Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Urine Trouble Now

An irate patient called our 
pathology group, demanding that 
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”...

Sweet and LOL

When my customer ordered 
iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or 
unsweetened?” Her answer: “What’s the difference?” Ruth Anne Pluckhorn, Moorestown, New Jersey

Bad Soup

The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. “This soup is awful,” I said. “I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”...

Barbershop Blunders

The barbershop was crowded, 
so the woman at the cash register 
offered to put my name on the 
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I...

How Many Telemarketers…

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but she has to do 
it while you’re eating dinner.

Store Hours Are Never

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the...

Did You Feel It?

I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my...

The Only Qualification…

The only qualification for working at an airline is making 
a confused face at a monitor. Comedian Julius Sharpe

Alphabet Soup or Salad?

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” 
I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of...

Photographic Evidence

A customer walked up to my 
bank window and asked me to cash 
a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse...

Fax To The Future

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from 
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original...

Bitter? No!

Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.” Source: Consumer Reports

A Sale-A-Day Keeps Quality at Bay

I think I’ve finally decoded the 
language of sale-a-day websites: Statement jewelry = large and ugly Lots of personality = odd and ugly Cutting-edge = disturbing and ugly Debbie Skolnik,...

Business Signs of The Times:

Spotted on a restaurant’s website: “Glutton-free menu available.” Emily Payne, Greenville, South Carolina Seen on a New York City subway poster: “Se habla Español/Russian.” Aaron Fernando, Richmond Hill, New York...

There is Such Thing as a Dumb Question

There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These: • I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I’d read off was...

New From the China National Tourism Administration…

The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: • Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. • Don’t leave footprints...

Every Time I Say That…

Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision....

Coversation With A Customer-Service Representative:

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box? Me: No, but...

The Dead Man And The Cobbler…

While going through his 
deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket....

Read The Fine Print

Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.” —Rachel Wagner, Bixby,...

Idiot of The Month

I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she said. “I already cut it in half.”...

Misdirection

Customer: Pardon me, I’m lost. Me: What are you looking for? Customer: I’m looking for Milkjer Boulevard. Me: I’ve never heard of it. Can I see your directions? Customer: Sure....

Sales Opportunity

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store’s PA system: “If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located...

Proper Pronunciation

I bought a pint of  Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce that?” Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said,...

Fitness Questionnaire

My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman wrote “Horrendous...