Dad Jokes

Every day is Father’s Day with these funny dad jokes.

Show dad you care by sharing his humor. Our collection of the best dad jokes and corny dad jokes will have both of you chuckling to yourselves.

Behind at Work

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Measure Millennials

Q: How do you weigh a millennial? A: In Instagrams.

Which is Lighter

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Lazy Shoes

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? A: Loafers.

Didn’t See You, Officer

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...

New Noses

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...

No Inspiration

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.

Close, But No Cigar

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

No Laughs in the Future

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Run the Reds

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the...

American in the Kitchen

Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

A: European!

State Convos

"What did Mississippi let Delaware?" "I don't know, but Alaska!

Invisible Bike

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric...

What’s the Buzz

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

Forgetful Dad

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Award-winning

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award? A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

Cheesy

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

I do

Q. Our wedding was so beautiful ... A. Even the cake was in tiers.

Fall meets winter

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite

Lunch food

Q. I hate jokes about German sausages. A. They're the wurst.

Shoe time

Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on? A. I don't think they'll fit me.

Swimming

Q. Is this pool safe for diving? A. It deep ends.

Changing of the seasons

Q. Can February March? A. No, but April May

Ahoy!

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

History lessons

Q. I'm reading a book on the history of glue. A. I just can't seem to put it down.

Behind bars

Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? A. CELLphies

Ocean Waving

Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.

Cat Flames

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Smart Shovel

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Don’t Buy Velcro

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Grapes Make Wine

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Sleepy Bicycle

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Not Your Cheese

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Construction Work Ahead

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

Useless Elephant

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Call me Dad

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

Lonely Skeletons

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Scarecrow Award

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Misfit Shoes

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad Haircut

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

Igloo House

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Coffee Crime

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Beaver Dam

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Paper Cut

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

Apple Tree

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Imposter Food

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Moon Dining

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Cheese fire

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Seeing Purple

I've just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.

Restaurant review

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Just the wurst

I hate jokes about German sausage. They're the wurst.

I quit!

Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.

So Sleepy

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.

A+

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Call ya later!

"I'll call you later." "Don't call me later, call me dad."

People Power

I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single...

Over Yonder

Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest 
Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to...

Life With A Blonde Teenager…

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a...

What An Ugly Duck…

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds....

No Such Thing As A Free Yacht

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my...

Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very...

David Letterman on Halloween

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and...

A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...

Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,...

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the...

That's Not How it Works, Dad.

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind...

No. 1 on Our List — Literally!

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket...

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat....

Pop Vs. Pup

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their...

Papa Bear

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the...

What a Card!

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When...

Watch the Wash, Dad…

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay —...