Doctor Jokes

Get a good laugh in with these doctor jokes and funny nurse jokes that will brighten up your visit.

The house call is here! Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered.

On the Badge

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.”...

The Nurse Has My Teeth

As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this...

Margarita Medicine

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, my daughter asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which...

Upside Down Reading

Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called...

DIY Orthodontist

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Ted: Brace yourself.

No Cause for Alarm

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out...

Do You Know What That Is?

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Me: Yes. Nurse: When? Me:...

You Are Just Fine

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband. “What’s my...

Heart-Stopping

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?”...

News too Late

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news. “Good news is you have 48 hours...

Good News, Bad News

A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.” The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad...

You’re Not Wrong…

ER DOCTOR: So, what brings you here? PATIENT: An ambulance! What do you think?! (Credit BestLife)

No Bedside Manner

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a...

My Son’s #1 Concern

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”...

The Real Meaning of “An Apple A Day”…

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the...

Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here...

Why You Should Make Love Once A Year

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people...

A Risk For All Seasons

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to...

Good Riddance to Dumb Patients

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because,...

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the...

An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I...

Colonoscopy Small Talk

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular 
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are 
comments purportedly made by 
patients to physicians during their procedures....

PLEASE Don't Administer Orally

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have...

A Familiar Patient

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an...

The Camper's Second Opinion

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs...

Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds...

I’m on The Eraser Diet!

When I stepped on the scale at 
my doctor’s office, I was surprised 
to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off 
that last four?” I...

The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and...

A Poor Ex-Spleen Nation

A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around. “What are you doing?” asked the professor. The student answered, “I’m...

Overheard at Our Hospital

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you? —Rebecca Shafer, Springfield, Missouri

Poor word choice, Doc

A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a 
referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run...

Smooth Operator

Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor. Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their...

A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your...

The Cruelest Cut

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?” “Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a big decision....

What Doesn’t Kill Ya…

Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry...

Unusual Changes

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician. “Has your address changed?” she asked....

What's in a Name?

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror. "What a name for a doctor,"...

Cool Doctor

I just met the coolest gynecologist. He's an O.B.G.B.Y.O.B.

Funny Misprints

Mark Twain warned: “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts: “The...

Attack

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to...

Going to the Doctor

My husband went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack. "I had taken our cat to the vet," he told the nurse, "and while I was there,...

Genes

They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

Career Changes

My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and,...

Math Problems

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain...

Funny Sample

It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office....

Insurance Policy

When my insurance company refused to pay for my newborn son’s circumcision, I got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."

Better Than One

I’d just come home from my sixth medical appointment of the week with one more to go, so I was in a lousy mood when my daughter called. After I...

Fearless

My friend is a Botox junkie—she can’t stop getting the injections. But surprisingly, when I reminded her to get her flu shot, she shuddered. "I hate needles," she said. I...

Quitting Time

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with...

Exit Interview

After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?" My answer: "Birth control."

Form Fitting

A patient at my daughter’s medical clinic filled out a form. After Name and Address, the next question was "Nearest Relative." She wrote "Walking distance."

All in the Name

My neighbor’s boat has a peculiar name: Innuendo. After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning, I asked him how he came up with the name. He answered, "My wife...

Calling It

Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn’t help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" "Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague. "Oh, he likes to call the...

A Surprise

Last Valentine’s Day, I arrived at the doctor’s office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got...

A Positive Outcome

A little boy was brought into our emergency room after ingesting part of a plug-in air freshener. After consulting Poison Control and monitoring him, the doctor wrote on his discharge,...

Simple Explanation

Following my husband’s physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news. "Your white blood cells are elevated," he said. "What does that mean?" I asked. Looking concerned, the doctor explained,...

No Problem?

One diagnostic-imaging center claims that its high-tech medical procedures are second to none. The center's newspaper advertisement proclaimed, CT Colonoscopy: No Scope, No Sedation, No Recovery.

The Good News

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" The patient replies, "Give me the good news." Dr. Smith says, "You’re about...

The Bracelet

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I’m going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got rubies and...

Subject to Replacement

Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."

All Possible Outcomes

At the dentist’s office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this...

Painless Procedure?

Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. "Don’t worry," the nurse assured him. "You’re just having a little autopsy."

English Professor

A harried man runs into his physician’s office. "Doctor! Doctor! My wife’s in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t!’" "Oh, that’s okay," says the doctor. "She’s just...

Healing the Sick

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy’s still sick. So the doctor gives him a...

Finding the Cure

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette. "How can you smoke when...

Price of Life

When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his...

No Cup Needed

One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes...

A Crazy Test

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a...

Chicken Scratch

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece...

Nurse Overload

Desperate for registered nurses, my colleagues and I in hospital administration often share ideas to recruit employees. Out of exasperation, I made a joking plea to two of my colleagues,...

Permanent Date

One day while at the doctor’s office, the receptionist called me to the desk to update my personal file. Before I had a chance to tell her that all the...

Better Job

After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their...

Status Objects

Dad’s pager beeped, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him—lights flashing, siren blaring. So...