Funny Stories

These funny stories will have you laughing for days.

See how your stories compare with these with these funny short stories you can share with the whole family.

First Day of Retirement

My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The woman quickly learned...

Meet the Genius

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very...

Do It Right the First Time

After doing some DIY projects around the house, I have a new motto: Do your best to do things right the first few times. —Thomas Ngo

Lady Godiva

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. “We’re sorry, ma’am. We’ll send your costume...

Lazy Award

At an event famous for giving out awards in bizarre categories, the emcee enthusiastically announces, “The next prize will go to the laziest person in the audience. If you think...

Can’t Remember the Name

I had a chance encounter with a pastor who told me about a wonderful event held at his church. “We had a singing group the other day that performed without...

Back to Reality

Tanned, relaxed, and unshaven, I landed at the Denver airport after returning from my bucolic Caribbean vacation. As the customs agent handed my passport back to me, she cheerily welcomed...

Birthdays to Grow

I asked the kids in my nursery school class what they needed in order to grow up nice and strong. One little girl answered, “Birthdays!” —Abigail George 

Get a Better Face

If I ever voiced disapproval of a photo of myself, my mother always had a ready reply: “Want a better picture? Get a better face.” —Maria Zagorski

Irritated Scalp

Suffering from an unsightly scaly rash, my friend Denise made an appointment with a dermatologist who happened to be very attractive. After a full examination, the doctor cocked his head...

Straw Up Your Nose

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my five-year-old granddaughter threw in her two cents. “I can see why it would be dangerous to...

Only Sign We Have

I was waiting at a small train station when a man put up a sign regarding my train: “30-Minute Delay.” “What happened?” I asked. “The train went off the rails,”...

Full Time Soon

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way...

Prayers Before Bed

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter...

Grow Up to Be a Mother

My three-year-old son: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Me: You can be anything you want. Son: (after a few seconds) I think I’ll...

Change the Sign

Spotted on a business marquee in Tacoma, Washington: MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN, SO I DID. —K.H.

Only Thing in My Closet

A coworker once showed up to the office in a white wedding dress with a crinoline, beading—the works. When our manager asked why she’d worn her wedding dress to the...

In His Terms

After my beloved dog Lucky passed away, my daughter tried to explain to her four-year-old son what had happened in terms he might understand. “Remember that baby bird we found...

Teeth Impression

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I’m a comedian,” I answered. “Interesting.” After a pause, he said,...

Mom’s Side of the Car

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his...

Gone Soon

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She...

Last Time For Everything

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back,...

I’ll Take Something Else

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress...

Started With an S

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it...

She Looks Like You

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look...

Bathroom Break

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans,...

None Are Sharp

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting...

Forgot Mom’s Name

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated,...

It’s an Uncle!

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went...

George Washington the Inventor

Our eight-year-old daughter: “Are you saying that George Washington didn’t invent the toilet?”

The Cat’s Taxes

Turning to me with some urgency, my sleeping husband stated, “I have to do the cat’s taxes!”

No Suggestions from the Horse

My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions...

Sheet for Dinner

As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for...

Personal Mistake

Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was...

Simple Questions

I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle...

Toilet Paper Appreciation

A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to...

Garage Dog

I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for...

Version of Mary

My 11-year-old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: “Have you heard of the version Mary?”

No Oysters For Me

One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked...

Toyota Disease

My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD. “No,” said the teen. “We...

Turn at the Cornfield

Living in rural Minnesota, I find driving through crowded Minneapolis difficult. “I have trouble figuring out when to turn and what lane to be in,” I complained to my grandson....

18 Months Old

My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.” “But Aunt Marie,”...

Direct Sun

My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned....

I Wanted to Flush

My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it...

Lost in Translation

I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said,...

In the Mirror

Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says. His friend...

Wrong Sauce

After I paid for my items in an adorable Italian shop, the salesperson smiled and said “Grazie,” Italian for “thank you.” My Italian isn’t very good, but I knew that...

Who is It?

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family. One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to...

Level Pause

After my kids bragged about what levels they’d attained in a video game, I decided to give it a try. Soon, it was my turn to boast that, in spite...

Disappointing Movie

My mother and I  suffered through an overlong, confusing movie at an art theater. Apparently we were not the only dissatisfied patrons. Walking back to our car afterward, we overheard...

New Job Brain

The new busboy was 
just 16, and because 
it was his first job, we were all impressed 
with how well he had done on his first day. Which is why...

Noisy Neighbors

Apartment life often means little privacy. 
I realized that one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom, climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting...

Did you eat him?

My three-year-old grandson asked his mother whether his younger brother used to be in her stomach. “Yes,” she said. “How did he get there?” he asked. “I’ll tell you when...

It’s Not Easy Being Green

My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter...

Potty Training in the Wild

When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing...

Defender of the Innocent

I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said...

Uncle Pony

When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle....

Hockey and Hometowns

I took my eight-year-old niece to a Chicago Blackhawks hockey game against the Montreal Canadians. She asked, "Are the Canadians from Canada?"

Siblings in the Orchard

When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the...

Cashier Phrases

As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open...

Shallow Sunday School

While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said...

Parenting in Court

My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this: ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which....

First Impression

When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her. I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him,...

Hop and Bothered

I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one...

Creative Reading

My 21/2-year-old grandson, 
Sam, brought a coloring book 
to me and said, “Read it.” I proceeded to make up
words to go with each page. When I finished “reading,” Sam said,...

My Baking Blunder

A group of our friends from church were planning a picnic, and it sounded like fun. The only problem was that times had been a bit tight for me, as...

Where Milk Comes From

When I told my son where milk comes from, he asked, “Mama, how 
do the cows sit on those little bottles?”

Sunday Best

On Easter one year, I got to see my 5-year-old granddaughter, Julia. I wore my best suit for 
the holiday. Julia said, “Grandpa, you look so handsome today. Did you...

Saving Grace

My niece made some food for another family at church. She prayed over it, asking the kids 
if they’d like to add anything. Her 3-year-old daughter, Boston, said, “Thank you,...

Panicked Preacher

In the late ’50s I was ­working construction, leveling the corner of a house that we had jacked about 4 inches above the ground. One of the jacks slipped and...

Practice Makes Perfect

A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?” “Yes,” the grandpa replied. “Did he make you, too?” “Yes.” “Well,” the girl said, looking...

Gone Fishing

My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad. Ted asked if she was going to use worms. “No,” she said....

Following Directions

A young man was planting some flower seeds on a sweltering day, sweating from the hot sun. His neighbor said, “You need to wait until the sun goes down, or...