Lawyer Jokes

All rise for these funny lawyer jokes and attorney jokes.

Whether you’re guilty or innocent, our law puns, legal puns and law school jokes will make you laugh even in court.

Lawless

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and...

Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What...

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir,...

The Best Legal Advice Ever…

...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.” Source: funnyordie.com

What Does DUMB Stand For?

While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was...

Six Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court

“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you...

Trappiest Place on Earth

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part...

I Don’t Say “Hey” Pro Bono

A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back....

Long Tour of Duty

I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on...

A Little Too Literal

If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what? Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?" Witness:...

Roll Call

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter....

The First Case

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you’re honest?" "Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you...

Court of Less Appeal

Justice isn’t just blind—it’s snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes: Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie? Witness: Yes. I...

Frame of Reference

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers. "Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff’s lawyer....

The Judgement

After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the...

Protesting Too Much

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked...

Usual Suspect

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?" "Yes, from a block away," the...

Running the Show

I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around....

Guilty as Charged

In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation. Then he...

Love Report

A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on...

No Lawsuits

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class. Suddenly I found myself on...

Waiting for the Fine

The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting...

Bad Job

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for...

Liar Liar

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever...

Not so Humble

I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which...

Tough Punishment

I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was...

Pretty Pennies

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.