Military Jokes

March to the beat of your own drum with these military jokes.

Attention! Choose from military jokes such as army jokes, navy jokes and marine jokes that will bring out the military humor in the most serious sergeants.

Weak Stomach

Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. “I never knew you had such a...

Give Myself Permission

Anyone wanting to take pictures on our base’s airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by...

Wrong Target

It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first...

Drive Him

During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, “There’s been a jeep explosion. What would...

40 For Lying

As A.J. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, “Those who laughed,...

There Goes the Light Bulb

While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber...

Band or Officer

While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my...

No Initials

Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told we’d find a clipboard with our names on it. “Next to your name,”...

Tallest in Line

I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put...

Stop the Orders

Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee...

No Eye Contact

I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day,...

Drink Under the Table

Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told...

Temporary Filling

As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the...

Missing Equipment

When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear...

Better Than the Recipe

During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he...

From the Same Place

It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, “Where are you from?” “St. Louis,” I...

He Left for Work

I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Me: Hello? Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there? Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang...

Only Backspace

In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just...

Military Outfit

As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second...

George?!

It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half...

Who is Kissing Her?

My father was serving in a port city in post–World War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo....

Pregnant With Doubt

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how...

Aged To Perfection

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up....

If You Need Something Done Wrong…

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.” —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

The Deadliest Job in WWII

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few...

Never Lose A Tank

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory

Military Lesson: Never Volunteer

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced...

A Vietnam Tupperware Party

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from...

How Did You Know The War Was Over?

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war...

I Hope You ROTC

In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that 
heritage to lord it over me. But...

True or False: Military Edition

1) In World War II, a German 
U-boat was sunk because of a 
malfunctioning toilet. 2) American combat dolphins, 
deployed in the Persian Gulf, 
surrounded and captured an 
Iranian battleship....

An Iraqi Beauty Regimen

After my niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I...

What ‘Master Key’ Means in the Military

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office....

Funny Military Punishments (According to Reddit)

• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState • Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when...

The Time Traveling Soldier

When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was...

An Old Army Truism…

Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment. Source: milhist.net

Zero Smarts Thirty

While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should 
expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then...

How to Find a Foxhole

My gunnery sergeant and 
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked. He snapped off a...

Left. Left. Left, Right, OUCH!

“Halt!” shouted our drill 
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the 
directionally challenged...

Hungover at Sea

It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered 
the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining...

Letters to Soldiers from Children

Students are great about 
sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why: “Dear Soldier, If you’re having 
a rough day, remember the most 
important thing...

The Meaning of War

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Comedian Paul Rodriguez

Airman Express

My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. “Thanks for...

Sgt. Nimrod

I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give...

Jimmy Fallon on ISIS

The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Jimmy Fallon

Landmarks and Spacemarks

While on maneuvers in the 
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. “Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the...

Baby's First Army Roll Call

During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and 
I was right,...

Lamp of Mass Destruction?

When I spotted a Navy captain 
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War...

An Air Force Truism

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. Source: urcaptainspekin.com

No-sense Sensor

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting 
unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my...

Confessions of a Military Wife

My husband is infantry, and 
he said the most wonderful things 
to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing...

Sky's the Limit

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. Source: propilots.org

An Army of None

We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that 
fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him...

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”...

Head to the Dentist

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of...

Bad Soldier Mistakes

It’s important that soldiers 
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at 
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from 
past gaffes: • “I was cold”...

Militant Roaches

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it. —Comedian Jay London

The Perpetual Pizza Pun-Off

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable...

No Emergency Exits, Thanks

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped 
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the...

Papa Bear

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the...

When Cats Go James Bond

The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In 
the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a...

Care of The US Military

We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-
looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our...

Smoke ’em if You Got ’em

When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our...

An Aptly Named Vessel…

I was standing watch when 
an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant. “Ocean Pearl,” I answered. He nodded. “It...

Air Force Handles Way Weirder than “Maverick”

In Top Gun, Tom Cruise’s call sign was the very apt Maverick. In real life, Air Force pilots’ handles are also 
often appropriate—but definitely 
not as cool. Like these:  ...

A Man Walks Into a Barbershop…

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?” “Twelve dollars,” says the barber. “And for a shave?” “Ten dollars.” “All right,” says the man, settling...

A Military-to-English Dictionary

The armed forces have a language all their own. Here’s our Military-to-English Dictionary: Birth control glasses (BCGs): 
military-issued eyeglasses noted for their unappealing appearance. Gone Elvis: missing in action. Latrinegram:...

My father transferred to a new Navy base…

My father was transferred to a new Navy base when I was four, so my parents quizzed me about our address. After I recited it perfectly, the test continued. “City?”...

Basic flying rules:

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go 
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the 
appearance of ground,...

GPS, Don’t Fail Me Now!

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot

That Weekend is Killer…

Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.

Collateral Damage

As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. I snapped to attention and saluted. The colonel responded in kind. The result: the soul-crunching sound...

Standing Violation

Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.” Mike...