Office Jokes

Laugh out loud with these funny office jokes.

Work hard, play hard! Step outside your cubicle and share our funny office jokes and knock – knock office jokes that will make you everyone’s favorite coworker.

Can I Hold You?

Our booking office had three phones. One day during lunch, I was responsible for answering all of them. It was a constant repeat of “May I help you?” or “Will...

Take the Blame

The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge. “Look,” he said, “we really don’t need...

A Motivated Boss

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. “Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.” He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for...

Burning calories

I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Took a day off

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

What Day Is It Again?

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

Whoops, Can’t Remember

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

Sad Job

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.

Tough Commute

Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.

Teacher’s Aid

With the economy improved, 
my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it...

An Unflattering Introduction

“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”  

Office Incompetence, a play in one act

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it. Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a...

The Dumbest Police Calls in America…

From the police blotter, 
or, what a beat cop deals with 
every day: • A deputy responded to a report 
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. 
It was the mail...

JIB: Job Interview Breakdown

Have you ever been a victim 
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have: • “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me...

“Buy Yourself Something Nice, Jerk”

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

The Real Meaning of “An Apple A Day”…

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, “An apple a day keeps 
the...

English is Hard

My colleague has been living 
in this country only a few months, 
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today,...

What Not To Say In A Job Interview

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss...

The Point of A Conference Call

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

Your Work E-mail is What?

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His...

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best.     =   ...

Art Reflects Life… Too Closely

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on 
body-part identification and the 
k sound. To that end, I had him 
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture 
of...

Time Zones Are Hard.

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes...

Insult or Compliment?

Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my...

A Businessman On Perfection…

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

Design Client From Hell: “Remove That Circle”

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly....

Unintelligent Design

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...

The Paradox of Grown-Ups

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

Not The Smartest Sports Fan

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and...

Weird Things Librarians Hear

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to...

A Kid With A Dream

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an...

Air-Headed

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be...

Whom Gave It Away?

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause:...

5 Lies Job Applicants Tell

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … … to be a former CEO of the company to which he...

Prime (Minister) Directive

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH...

Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

Good Riddance to Dumb Patients

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because,...

An Ocean of Dumb

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando...

Good English

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always...

What it’s Like to Work in Fashion

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what 
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on

Workplace Tips for Bond Villains

The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter 
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain. • I will not fly into a...

Tiptoe Through The Typos

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his...

Strapped For Cash

During college, I worked on 
a conveyor belt. One day, I was 
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a...

Easier Said Than Done

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From clientsfromhell.net

A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...

Dumb Clients: A Different Color

Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Smart-Asses Work in Restaurants, Too

I phoned a local restaurant to 
ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That 
depends on which...

Left. Left. Left, Right, OUCH!

“Halt!” shouted our drill 
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the 
directionally challenged...

Shaving with Daddy

My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three 
before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding...

"What's Good Tonight?"

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So 
I braced myself...

Breeding Doubt

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded,...

The Dumbest Questions from National Park Tourists

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these: • How much does Mount McKinley weigh? • Would the lightning be faster if 
it...

The Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a...

Moonlighting and Other Witchcraft

My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came...

Total @mateur

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type...

And That's The Way it is

Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about 
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel. @JENNYJOHNSONHi5

That Sounds Exhausting

My granddaughter was 
graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the 
future. She hadn’t any, but she 
did know this much: “I certainly don’t want...

The Best Legal Advice Ever…

...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.” Source: funnyordie.com

Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent

• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.” • “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” • “So … you’re talking to me...

How Not to Get a Teaching Job

An applicant for an open 
teaching job submitted a résumé. Under the heading Qualities and Skills, she listed, “Impeachable 
character and integrity.” M. O., via Internet

Wanted: Cemetery Superintendent

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.” A. S., via Internet

Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers

My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?” @KenJennings

Un-intelligent Design

We were making leaflets for a 
local church, and the client wanted 
a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof....

Stephen Colbert on Internships

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

The Weirdest Summer Job Ever

Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE. Jake Weisman...

Lifeguards vs. Life Coaches

L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—

My First Job…

I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter. Melanie Reno

Worst Insurance Claims Ever

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the...

Time to Reboot…

My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I...

She Must Not've Read It…

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s 
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that...

Tattoo 'Tude

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, 
demanding a...