Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Make Do

Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.

Four-Year Gap

A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The...

Don’t Drink and Driver

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? "Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

Forgot Mom’s Name

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated,...

Stay Off My WiFi

Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

It’s an Uncle!

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went...

Love Staying Home

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?” “Yes,” I answered. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. “No. He’s...

Never All at Once

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was...

Rock Crash

Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other? A: A Fender bender.

Moving Fast

Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle's back? A: Wheeee!

Teddy Dessert

Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? A: Because she was stuffed.

Signed a Fool

A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”! “Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed...

Too Much Praise

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the...

Teeth Out Too

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies.  A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor...

How am I?

Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?"

Turtle Recall

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why...

Better Than the Recipe

During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that night’s dinner. When I told him I had no clue how to make soup, he...

From the Same Place

It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, “Where are you from?” “St. Louis,” I...

Tip Jar Humor

Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”

He Left for Work

I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Me: Hello? Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there? Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.(Hang...

Only Backspace

In the ’50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was “We never retreat, we just...

Learn to Reduce Clutter

I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.  

Do You Know What That Is?

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Me: Yes. Nurse: When? Me:...

Don’t Put Fido On

A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t...

Take the Blame

The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge. “Look,” he said, “we really don’t need...

Following a Friend

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up....

Boiling Away

RIP boiling water—you will be mist.

It’s Still Illegal

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

End of a Sentence

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Instrument Sentences

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

No Commas

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

No Laughs in the Future

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

George Washington the Inventor

Our eight-year-old daughter: “Are you saying that George Washington didn’t invent the toilet?”

The Cat’s Taxes

Turning to me with some urgency, my sleeping husband stated, “I have to do the cat’s taxes!”

No Suggestions from the Horse

My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions...

Sheet for Dinner

As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for...

Bald Baby

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to...

Bathroom in the Morning

When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, “What gets you up in the morning?” My father shrugged. “Probably the same...

Next to Someone Different

Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

Personal Mistake

Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was...

French Not Spanish

The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other...

It Pays to Do Your Own Work

Upon finding a clearly plagiarized paper, I called the student into my office. Pointing to my computer screen, I said, “I found your entire paper online. Do you have anything...

Simple Questions

I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle...

Toilet Paper Appreciation

A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to...

Taking the Bull’s Pills

An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate...

Telepathetic

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

Lazy Kangaroo

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato.

10 Years Isn’t Enough

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.” My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years...

Garage Dog

I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for...

Version of Mary

My 11-year-old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: “Have you heard of the version Mary?”

No Oysters For Me

One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked...

Toyota Disease

My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD. “No,” said the teen. “We...

Both Love Me

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will...

Military Outfit

As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir” or “Second...

George?!

It was World War II—the front—and we were on high alert. Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half...

Don’t Listen to the Parrot

A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.” “Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.” “I will. I’m just here to...

Kitty Communist

Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

A: Chairman Meow.

Man vs Man

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Red Flags

Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

A: All the red flags.

Proper Tea

Q: Why do Communists drink herbal tea?

A: Because proper tea is theft.

Riding Attire

What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Sleeping Dogs

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded,  “Wait till they’re asleep.”

Turn at the Cornfield

Living in rural Minnesota, I find driving through crowded Minneapolis difficult. “I have trouble figuring out when to turn and what lane to be in,” I complained to my grandson....

You Are Just Fine

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband. “What’s my...

18 Months Old

My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.” “But Aunt Marie,”...

Run the Reds

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the...

Who is Kissing Her?

My father was serving in a port city in post–World War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo....

Direct Sun

My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned....

Tom One and Two

Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered. “Hi,”...

Daughter-in-Law’s Husband

I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When...

I Wanted to Flush

My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it...

Two Brothers

Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.

Aim the Shot

Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.