Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Tailgating Tattletale

My wife and I get along just great—except she’s a back-seat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, my cell phone rang as I merged...

Complex Explanation

I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block,...

Computer Language

My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the...

In Total Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise...

Missing Parts

The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a...

No Cleaning Required

Opening the box containing my new portable television, I removed the remote and turned it over to install the batteries. Molded into the device was this message: "Made in Indonesia—Not...

Tough Question

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we...

Not so Private

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for...

Personal Tracking Device

After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in...

Running Out of Fuel

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to...

Similar Training

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third...

Smarter Generation

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I...

Snapshot

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click...

Sounding Off

I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I...

Sour Situation

I recently bought a new car that had a faulty light. When, after five visits to the dealer’s shop, they were unable to fix it, I tried to get it...

Unable to See

My husband works for a high-tech company that uses a sophisticated robotic mail-delivery system. The robot makes mail stops by following a clear painted line on the hallway floor. Recently...

Unfinished Repairs

My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix....

Too Much Information

 My wife was in her gynecologist’s busy waiting room when a cell phone rang. A woman answered it, and for the next few minutes, she explained to her caller in...

Win-Win

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson...

Misplaced

A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds...

On a Safari

Some New Yorkers were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals. "Oh, yes!" the chief of the tribe exclaimed. "We’re...

Job Interview

During a job interview, a client of my employment-search company voiced his concern about work-life balance. "Spending time with my family is very important to me, and I’m just wondering...

Health Food Junkies

Because he’s a chemist and I’m a personal trainer, my fiancé and I don’t always agree about what eating healthy means. I prefer foods with less fat and fewer calories....

Parachute Problems

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another...

So Long, Snail Mail

After my wife landed a coveted job offer from DHL, we went out of town to celebrate. While on our trip, she was contacted by the company’s human resources department...

Pretty Pennies

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.

Quick Clean-up

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when...

Tough Luck

"I feel sorry for this soldier," joked my husband as he handed me a flier he’d found in our mailbox. It read: Lost CatBlack and whiteAnswers to NateBelongs to a...

Hot Off the Press

As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too. My husband let out a low whistle. I took it...

Farm and Family

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband...

Flawed Flattery

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his...

1-800-WasteMyTime

The Windows Global Support Center cannot reach everyone.

Sleepless in Suburbia

Different rules apply between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., I find. Things that would ordinarily not even qualify as mildly amusing will often, at 3 a.m., strike the ear as high comedy.

Sit Back and Relax

There is a special room in hell where the flames are extra hot and you must sleep sitting straight up. The sign on the door says: Reserved for People Who Reclined Their Seatbacks the Entire Flight.

Home Sickness

More than once I have had my brain paralyzed by what psychiatrists call Old House Delusion Disease (OHDD). My wife and I bought an old house that had every known old-house problem, including termites, not to mention a grand total of one closet, and an entire room that had no electrical outlets -- a clear indication that the house was not built by or for people with a need for, say, lighting.

Macho, Macho Man

Humor columnist Andy Simmons tries to get reacquainted with his macho side.

Itching for a Fight

Humor columnist Andy Simmons attacks poison ivy.

Customer Service

Thank you for calling VeriCom Customer Care. Your call is important to us, though not as important as it is to you.

Spring Jokes – Silly About Spring

Laugh winter woes away with one of these witty springtime snippets!

And There’s the Rub!

The whole spa concept is foreign to me. I don't cleanse my face; I wash it. I don't "release toxins" or parole them or give them time off for good behavior. Mary Roach on spas.

11 Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes

Share a laugh with the one you love.

A Kiss Is Just a… Pain

"The French kiss each other twice, perhaps because no one else will."

Bug Off

"One pesticide company tries to make ant death seem like a holiday in France. They have a product called Ant Cafe."

The Naked Truth

"A bikini is not so much a garment as a cloth based reminder that your parts have migrated."

50 Funniest Jokes

Laugh more, live longer with the funniest jokes ever.