Religious Jokes

Get a great laugh with these religious jokes.

Today’s sermon: finding belly laughs in holy places. Read up on our religious jokes, Christian Jokes and more that will have you laughing in church.

Heal Him So He Can Do It Himself

Our fourth grader celebrated his birthday on crutches, so he couldn’t carry the cupcakes into school without help. I asked our sixth-grader, Noah, to help his brother carry them in....

Too Much Praise

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just...

Not Talking to You

At our weekly Bible study, the leader asked an elderly gentleman, Walt, to open the meeting with prayer. Walt did so in a soft voice. Another man, straining to hear,...

How Can I Help You?

After pulling three double shifts in a row, my brother Billy, a hotel clerk, was worn out. On one of his few breaks, he went to the hotel restaurant to...

Early or Second Service

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the...

Adam’s Shorts

Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

Signed a Fool

A pastor received a letter from a congregant. When he removed the letter from the envelope, it had one word written on it-“Fool”! “Well”, said the pastor, “the sender signed...

Too Early for Service

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars.  He asked the...

Water to Wine

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you...

Matzah Braille

A blind guy goes to the Passover Seder and someone passes him a piece of matzah. He runs his fingers over it and loudly exclaims, "Who wrote this garbage!?!?"

Laughing in Heaven

Q. How can you make God laugh?

A. Tell him your plans.

Flood of Requests

If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.

Circus Comes to Church

When my son, William, was young, we belonged to a small country church. On Communion day, deacons would pass around the “bread and juice.” One Sunday, we attended a church...

A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi And A Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds 
a bear, and attempts to convert it....

Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:

“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.” Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

And The Lord Separated His Paper From His Plastics…

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was...

Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men...

Father Time

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that...

Q: What Do You Call an Amish Guy…

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done,...

Let Us Cuss

Gary was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought a lawn mower 
but returned it a few days later, 
complaining that it wouldn’t run. “It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you...

Un-intelligent Design

We were making leaflets for a 
local church, and the client wanted 
a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof....

Hot-Crossed Pastors

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation...

Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

Zen Koans for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...

Never Talk About Religion at Work

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except 
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he...

Ten Commandments by Popular Websites

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites… I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused,...

Eve's Online Dating Profile

Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, 
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine...

G-d Hates B.S.

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,”...

The End Is Nigh-er Than You Thought

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up 
a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”...

King Soloman Jr.

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed...

Strain in The Mass

Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman. Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin. Me: Oh, thank you. Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you....

Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds...

The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and...

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it....

How Does Moses Make Tea?

How does Moses make tea? He brews.

Barefoot Gandhi

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic...

This Weather is Hell

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead...

Budget Cuts

Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. &emdash;God —Source: Funny in Russia Survey

The Dyslexic Devil Worshiper

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A Tibetan Phone Call

So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

A Bird Named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus...

One Wish

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth,...

A Sign From Above

Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."

Church Bulletin

As church secretary, I prepare the bulletin for each week’s services. One Sunday morning, I heard snickering from the pews. Quickly grabbing the bulletin, I found the cause. The sermon...

Happy Confession

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” "Do not fret, my...

Flip the Switch

After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."

Exciting Palindromes

The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said...

House Call

When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God’s here, and he brought his girlfriend."

My Service

Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. "Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day do you...

Confession

En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect. "Confession is where you tell all the bad things you’ve done...

Symbolic

Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?

Praying for Hearing

Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help. "I need you to pray for my hearing," he tells the preacher. The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and...

Easy to Forgive

Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted...

Sermon Time

During our priest’s sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that’s the...

Commandments

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven’t gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it’s too late...

Not Breaking

After examining the paltry tips left by a church group, our waitress was not pleased. Looking toward my table, she grumbled, "These people come in with the Ten Commandments and...

Denomination

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

Adam and Eve

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the...

Life on an Island

Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour. "I built...

The Good News

With Bible in hand, I read to my high school religion class, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife." "Okay," I...

He Works in Mysterious Ways

The subject line on the e-mail sent by our campus ministry after Easter read "He is risen!" But the next day, we received a rather startling message intended to clear...

Good Eulogy

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?” One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family...

Respite

During his fourth week of basic training, my grandson was able to make a brief phone call to me. He said he was attending church on base every week, which...

Bible Bafflement

My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone. When his stationery...

A Tough Sell

Fact: We salesmen believe we can sell anything. But my confidence was put to the test recently in a hotel lobby. When the doors to the elevator opened, it was...

Preacher on a Horse

A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and...

God is Watching

When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said...

Necessary Objects

I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it...

Not Listening

Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here...

Praying for Food

As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for...

Dead or Alive

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" a teacher asked the...

Golf Lover

The funeral directors of the mortuary where I am a receptionist were asked by a grieving family if they could place a golf club in the casket alongside their uncle,...